“You are so cute!” A phrase I hear all the time. From family, friends and sometimes people I don’t even know. Okay, to a certain degree- I get it. I am quite small in stature and to some I resemble a small woodland creature. But because I am Disabled, calling me cute can mean a variety of things and not all of them good. Let’s set the scene.
Bethany, (a fictional caricature I created to represent everything disabled people hate) is straight out of her sorority Kappa Delta Ableism and ready to wreak havoc on the Disabled community. Bethany walks right up to me and utters the four words that make any disabled person shudder. “You are so cute”. Now, if you are not Disabled it is easy for you to assume that Bethany meant well; a simple conclusion to a bigger problem. Bethany wanted to compliment me, and she did just that. But why is she calling me cute? Out of all the things she could say to me. I- a near adult, was cute?
Dear all the Bethany’s of the world,
Don’t get me wrong. To say that I don’t know that I act different than my peers would be an absolute lie. I am unapologetically weird and proud of my Disability, and it will always be that way. But when you tell me I am “so cute” in that condescending tone, whether you mean to or not, you dehumanize me. It’s really a brutal slap in the face reminding me that you think of me as less. Instead of talking to me as a peer, you choose to talk to me like a child. Which is incredibly frustrating as I should be respected and taken seriously, and it is hard when you are perpetually treated like a 12 year old. This is all a part of a bigger issue, which is the infantilization of the Disabled community.
Infantilization as defined by Merriam Webster is “to treat as if infantile” and even without realizing it, you could be infantilizing someone in the Disabled community, treating them like a child.
I get it, when you see someone different than you, it can be hard to know what to say and this is not all your fault. Society as a collective has moulded you to be this way. But the way you speak to Disabled people, not only can you be rude, you stomp on our dignity right in front of our faces. Baby talk is probably one of the most used “practices” of ableist speech. Let’s use our friend Bethany to tell the story. Bethany approaches the 35 year old man with Down Syndrome and talks to him as if he is 5. She gets high pitched and squeaky- like she is talking to her brand new puppy, or a baby. Just because someone is Disabled does not mean that you get to coddle them like a child. It is disrespectful, and quite frankly- weird. “DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME” is another very popular technique amongst ableists. We will again use Bethany to set the scene. Bethany has a friend whose sister: Sarah, is Autistic. At her friend’s house, Sarah asks what Bethany is going to have for lunch. Bethany replies in a slowed tone that she will have a peanut butter sandwich, she then looks at Sarah for an uncomfortable amount of time, as if she is making sure she understands her simple (and not to mention trivial) sentence. What is the problem with this? Well, a lot actually. You take your limited knowledge about a Disability, and you make a judgement on a person and their ability to understand you, based on your own preconceived notions. When someone has a question. They will let you know.
Another popular form of infantilization connects into what the Disabled community calls Inspiration Porn.If you don’t know what Inspiration Porn is – let me give you a quick run down. Have you ever seen while scrolling on your Instagram feed “Girl with Prosthetic Leg Runs- So You Can Too!! “ or “Teen Takes Local Boy With Autism To Prom!” ? These are both examples of Inspiration Porn. Both of these examples objectify Disabled people for the benefit of Abled people. Not only do they imply that being Disabled is the worst thing that could ever happen to someone, they infantilize us in the process. The one I will focus on today is the second example I gave. Disabled people don’t exist for you to be on the news, or get likes on Instagram. Taking someone to prom because you think no one else will, and you want to look like a hero – is a pity date. Since when is being nice to someone an act of charity? In doing this, you are not treating your Disabled “friend” as a peer, you are treating them as if they are a kid and you are their genie; giving them three wishes before everything goes back to normal. Every time you partake in liking or sharing Inspiration Porn, you let people think that this behavior is okay and even praised. Despite what Disabled people are telling you.
If you are reading this now and are thinking “I might have been doing these things” don’t worry. No need to call every Disabled person you have spoken to and apologize. Instead, think before you speak, and remember that even your smallest interactions can be powerful. Fix this behavior when you see it around you, talk to people with Disabilities, and listen to us. It is a simple ask, as even though you may have no mal-intent, you are still leaving a negative imprint on your interactions with Disabled people.
