When I was younger, everyone looked at my peculiarity as some sort of gift to the world.
I was special; smart; gifted; charming.
I loved animals. stuffed animals, and even inanimate objects that looked like animals. I could communicate with people older than me fluently – and enjoyed having elderly friends. I felt they understood me in a way that other people could not. To parents – I was a dream. I was living “to the beat of my own drum” but just enough for it to border on cute: like you could have made me a marketable book character.
[ Image Description : The writer at age 5 holding a stuffed teddy bear while coloring in a composition notebook ]
However, going back through the albums of my childhood I noticed a theme. I have always loved snapping videos and pictures. I wanted people to see what I saw. The world that was equal parts confusing and beautiful. At times – loud and scary, and at others peaceful and bright.
I wish I could explain all the pictures and videos I took and I am sure there is some psychologist that would gladly perform a psychoanalysis. But in my heart of hearts, I know why I took so many photos and videos.
[ Image Description : The author at age 4 in a pink, red, and brown striped shirt holding a digital camera]
I loved to create my own world. It was mine. It wasn’t this world, and nobody could interfere with what I had created.
But showing people? That was the best part. They could look into my foreign world – just as I was looking into theirs; their NT (Neurotypical) world that I was living in every day.
When I got older, I became less charming. I was weird; quirky (in an unwanted way); and needed to “act my age”. Don’t ask what that means. I don’t know either.
Middle school for me, as it was for others – was complete hell. I cried almost every day during my first month of grade 7. I didn’t understand why some of my NT peers didn’t want to be my friend. I didn’t understand why some were so horrible to me.
This eventually led to two things.
One: besides a couple of friend groups that I would merge into (who were all very nice to me), I was much happier spending time with my teachers. Yes, you have that right – choosing adults over kids my age, I decided to bond with my teachers, often spending lunchtime in their rooms – or doing tasks for them, which I so lovingly dubbed “missions”. I can’t say that was all bad though, as without those teachers I would have probably talked to no one, or failed in trying.
The second thing I found was the theatre. At this point, I really did love to act. I tried to ‘act’ like an NT every day, so what was the difference? Theatre overtook my life – it became my personality. I would never dub myself a “theatre kid” now, but it was really a good artistic outlet for me, and to be frank – I was actually quite good; placing at the top of my province in competitions. These two things may have created an annoying teenager who had way too much knowledge about the great white way, spewing trivial knowledge I had about Broadway shows every chance I got – but as I am about to say, I wouldn’t change that rather difficult time of my life for the world.
They obviously say “never forget your roots” for a reason, because my love for theatre in middle school led me to a film class in high school. I wasn’t sure at first, but it was actually my dad who told me that he thought I would really like it. Within the first week of the class, I already knew I loved it. Of course, there were people who laughed at the way I explained things – my speech can come out like word vomit when I was passionate about something. Often I would go on long tangents about things my peers and teacher deemed irrelevant.
When it came to making my own films – inside and outside of the class, I slowly figured out that I could make films to show my peers my perspective on life. Showcasing my special interests, tackling topics I thought were important – or just showing my sense of humor. These weren’t masterpieces by any stretch – in fact some of them I can’t even watch without cringing.
However, just like the videos and pictures I took when I was younger, film helped me express and explain my world to my NT peers, and better yet – they seemed to enjoy it. Not to sound like that one Dr. Seuss quote, but I was quite literally – born to stand out; and whilst I couldn’t care less about NT standards – the social ostracization still stung, and it was nice that within that circle of film; it didn’t seem to happen. Film was and still is, a place of refuge for me. A place where my creative perspective as a Disabled person was not only shown but praised and accepted.
Outside of my high school film class, in the professional film world – there is still a lot of work to do when it comes to Disability representation. Proper Disability representation – is a very hot topic, and rightfully so. There is no reason we shouldn’t hear about openly Disabled directors or see Disabled actors on screen.
I hope this goes to show the importance of diversity in film and television; crew, actors, and all. My love of film correlates directly to my Neuro Diversity, and I know I am not the only Disabled person who connects to film. So to see more people like us in the industry is a step in the right direction.
I end with a question for the film industry. Many other Neuro Diverse creators and I, want you to see our world, and the world we see can be beautiful. So – are you willing to take a look?
