Image description: An image from the film Ladybird (2017), where the main protagonist and her mother are in the car together. The mom is at the steering wheel, and Ladybird, the protagonist, sits next to her. 

Did the last argument you had with your mom happen while she was cleaning your genitals? If so — lucky for you, ours did too. Elusive as it may be, mother and child relationships are often rife with heated moments for everyone, from simple misunderstandings to slammed bedroom doors, especially in adolescence. 

When you depend on your mom to survive though, it’s a bit more complicated to navigate. Growing up, I often struggled to say what it was that I wanted to say, because there was never a situation where I didn’t need something from her. Or that I said too much in my teen-dom, and worried that she wouldn’t come back to help me. 

That fear has a way of creeping in and out, even now, at the ripe age of 23 — and if this is you too, we’re not alone in this experience. Disabled people are 60-80% more likely to live with family members for a period after finishing their education.

But to be frank, the radical act of simply accepting the caregiving aspect of our relationship — that it didn’t mean anything about me, or about her — was pivotal. Caregiving isn’t inherently burdensome or heavy; it just tends to make relationships more real. And a little more awkward, obviously.

With school starting and many going back to continue their studies or start their masters program, the Cripple Media team has come together to build a short guide on how to navigate conflict with a parent who’s also your caregiver. 

EVERYTHING FEELS WORSE WHEN IT FEELS LIKE YOU’RE ALONE 

Is it just me, or does everything feel a lot more dramatic when you feel like you’re the only one going through it? Disabled people are often made to feel othered their whole lives — so anytime a conflict arose that reminded me how different I was, it didn’t just make me feel isolated, it made me feel less than. But, the fact of the matter is, and pardon the cliché, you’re actually not alone and your worth is exactly the same as everyone else’s. Think about it, your experience is shared by so many other people: Someone born with a visible or invisible disability who relies on caregiving, someone recently injured and newly paraplegic, or even someone temporarily disabled – like the friend who got shitfaced wasted and, the morning after, their roommate has to help them clean the contents of their indisposition and help them shower. You’re not alone. 

JUST CHILL OUT FOR A SECOND 

So, you and your parent just got in a messy, maybe kind of embarrassing fight, and luckily they finished with their caregiving tasks, and you’re now in your peaceful solitude. This is a good time to chill out for a second and focus on what actually happened. It’s very common that anyone, for any type of argument, to think back on previous painful moments and begin to associate it with the current situation, or, it may be tempting to think back on that one Instagram infographic that was like, “if your friend said these 5 things, they’re ableist.” Most relationships and heated moments are nuanced, and while obviously there are moments that are actually ableist, it’s worth taking a beat and parsing out what actually happened, and where our brains may subconsciously be attaching things from the past or fears of the future. 

MAKE SURE NOT TO CONFUSE YOUR GUILT WITH YOUR NEEDS 

Keep whatever’s happening – and your guilt or your hurt – away from what you need. When your parent is also your caregiver, it’s easy to confuse the guilt and needs: you feel guilty or awkward in the middle of a fight, so you shrink the need, or delay it, or just don’t say it. But whatever’s happening between you two doesn’t change what your body needs at that moment. You’re allowed to be mid-argument with your mom and still ask her to help cut your food. One doesn’t cancel out the other, and it shouldn’t have to.