July is disability pride month, and that means your social media is (hopefully) flooded with posts on disability, awareness, and research. This might be the first time you’re learning that one of your closest friends has a disability—one that you’ve never even heard of. So, of course, you’re asking them about it. Starting a conversation. Educating yourself and learning so you can educate others.

But dear God, stop treating us like your personal search engine.

First, let me emphasize that I am thrilled you’re the one to start the conversation on disability. I’m so incredibly happy that you want to learn about my conditions, that you want to understand what I’m going through, that you want to be an activist and an ally.

But I’m exhausted. For every post I make on my disability, there are at least five people messaging me to exclaim their surprise over my “coming out.” I’m exhausted from typing the same messages over and over, to explain my disability and disability generally to someone new every single time.

I am not your google resource simply because I am disabled.

1. I only represent one slice of the disability pie. I can’t answer questions on autism, or ADHD, or [insert another disability I don’t have here.]
2. I am not a doctor or scientist with a medical degree that proclaims me proficient in medical science and a full understanding of how the human body works. I know how my human body works, and how it functions with my condition.
3. I am not your google resource simply because I am disabled. I don’t understand what makes me more qualified to research disability simply because I have one. I’m not a pastry chef, and yet I can still find recipes for cupcakes when I am so inclined.
4. I want to talk to you about my disability, but when it leaves the sphere of my experience and turns into a disabled experience as a whole, it can become tedious to have to educate you simply because you do not have the same life experience.

We—the disabled community as a whole—are thrilled that you want to learn more about specific disabilities, disabilities generally, and life as a disabled person. But we are not responsible for your education. Want to learn more about disability? Here’s what you can actually do (without treating your local disabled person as a Google function):

1)  RESEARCH ON YOUR OWN

It’s daunting, I get it. There’s the question of where to start, what terms to google, what to look for.

Begin with the disability your friend has. Learning more about what they go through will not only help you be a better friend, it will start an entirely new conversation for them (because oftentimes, we’re not used to people being familiar with our disabilities). Read the Wikipedia page on it, the WebMD sources, the websites dedicated to that disability.

Now that you’ve got two feet into the pool, take another step down, and start researching disabled history. Find out how the ADA came to be. Learn about disabled rights and fighting for those rights. Why special education in schools is so important. What other disabilities exist out there—hidden and presenting. There’s a handy-dandy calendar out there that celebrates different disabilities throughout the year.

These are just suggestions; you have absolutely no obligation to do any of this or follow the order I’ve laid out. That’s just what I’ve found most helpful (because as I’ve said, I only have one slice of the pie. I still have to learn on my own.)

And just a reminder, no matter how much you learn and think you know, your disabled friend has the experience of it. So please, as helpful as you think it might be, don’t try and educate us on our own disabilities.

2. READ AND ENGAGE IN DISABLED MEDIA

You’ve already taken a huge step by reading this article. Check out other articles from this publication; Cripple is focused on telling the stories of disabled people, by disabled people. If you’re less inclined to the news sources, we already have an article of 10 great books with disabled leads written by disabled people. For TV shows, I recommend: The Good Doctor, House, Avatar: The Last Airbender, The Good Place (for Jameela Jamil and her wonderfulness), Atypical, Sex Education, and Daredevil.

If TV shows and movies still aren’t your thing, and books aren’t it either, there are people on social media who document their daily lives with a disability. Squirmy and Grubs, a YouTube channel run by interabled couple Shane Burcaw and Hannah Aylward focus on their daily life. @DisabledWriters on twitter is a journalistic resource focusing on increasing disability diversity in journalism. Jameela Jamil focuses on increasing awareness for a variety of areas but also brings to light her struggles with not “looking disabled” and suffering from Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. Alice Wong is a writer and editor focused on disability and visibility.

There are so many resources out there, written by disabled people that focus on what the disabled experience is like. They cover the entire pie, not just slices of it. By reading and engaging in media produced by actual, real-life disabled people, you’re hearing real-life, first-hand accounts. The portrayal created by these real-life, actual disabled people is going to benefit you so much more than the shoddy book written by a man named Jeff, who once had a bad acid trip and, “totally knows what it’s like to go insane, man!”

3. EDUCATE YOURSELF ABOUT TOXIC, ABLEIST BEHAVIORS

How often do you hear the r-word casually slip into a conversation? Are you calling yourself “crippled” when you’re really just injured? How many times have you looked at someone in a wheelchair and instinctually had a feeling of superiority?

They’re learned behaviors. The good news about learned behaviors? You can unlearn them. Educate yourself on what you’re doing. Acknowledge your prejudice (you can start doing this by reading and researching, using the resources above). Understand that people live a different life than you, and it’s not fair to claim “betterness” simply because of different physical capabilities. A basketball player is not better than a baseball player simply because they have different sets of skills. You wouldn’t throw an MLB player onto a court and expect him to sink every free throw, would you?

It’s okay that you’re learning. It’s okay that you’re starting out, and that you may have participated in these behaviors in the past. Listen to disabled people when they say they aren’t comfortable with certain terms or phrases you might be using; it’s not a personal attack, but a chance to understand why those things aren’t okay.

4. STILL TALK TO YOUR FRIENDS

Please talk to your disabled friends about their disability. Oftentimes, we want to tell you about them but we don’t want to be overbearing and overwhelming with the information. Start with a simple, “do you feel comfortable talking to me about this right now?” This allows them to make the call if they’re comfortable engaging in this conversation at this moment. Sometimes, the answer is no, and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean that they never want to talk to you about it; it means they can’t talk about it right now. There’s absolutely nothing wrong in talking to your friends about their disability (so long as they agree to the conversation) but be aware of when you’re starting to blur the lines of their personal experience, and general experience. General experiences should be googled; personal experiences can be conversed about.

5. TO MY DISABLED FOLKS READING THIS

People ask questions from a point of curiosity. There’s a reason behind wanting to know more, and a majority of the time, it’s with the honest intention of understanding. They see you as a place to start because you are familiar—as a friend, a loved one, an acquaintance, an advocate.

Take a moment and evaluate what you are comfortable with. What questions you are okay with answering, what pieces of your life you feel like sharing. Determine where your line is; where it becomes “this is a personal experience I can discuss,” versus, “they want to know general information I can’t and/or don’t want to provide.” You are fully within your rights to say, “I appreciate that you’re interested in learning more about my disability and disability generally, but these conversations can be very taxing on my mental health. If you would truly like to know more, I suggest researching and reading media produced by disabled people. Perhaps another time I’d be more open to discussing it with you.” Or, any variation you think works for your situation. It’s your history, your story. Just because you shared it with someone doesn’t mean you have to share it with everyone. I do fully suggest sharing something with them: resources. You are not anyone’s search engine, but you can direct them to the starting line. If they want to know more, they’ll be able to do it on their own.